Sunday, January 25, 2015

Every now and then a quarrel breaks out down at the barber shop, lines are drawn, challenges leveled and, with any luck, somebody walks out with very few blood stains. All over a seemingly innocent discussion:
What is the greatest sport on earth?

Some say "football". Some say "baseball". Canadians say "hockey". The rest of the world says "soccer".

I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is the greatest sport on earth. Allow me to explain just a few of the reasons.

ATTENTION: If bad breath (yours or your partner's) makes you uncomfortable kissing, you need The Bad Breath Report

Kissing is the most versatile sport around. There are so many types of kisses to choose from- at least one for just about any occasion. There is the quick peck on the cheek kiss, the peck on each cheek kiss, the peek on your nephew's cheek kiss while grabbing the other cheek flab with your hand, the wildly passionate kiss, the elegant kiss on hand , the dreaded kiss of death, the "Hey you! Kiss this!", and even the Florida town of Kissimmee (founded, no doubt, by early Italian pioneer kissers).

The Art of Kissing Is Easy   
Kissing is easy to transport. It really doesn't matter when you are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in Alaska from June through September.

Kissing requires so little Equipment, which means you can do it even when not prepared for the occasion, and even when you have to travel light. This makes it the ideal participation sport for businessmen, world travelers and marsupial groupies.

Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the next time you are in an oh-so-booooring meeting that seems to last oh-so-foreeeeeever, why not just kiss somebody. Go ahead; try it. See how it livens things up?

Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most earth-bound countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing will even be legalized soon on mars, Jupiter and in Afghanistan.

Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you kiss somebody, you help the environment.

Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as long as you are not driving.

Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long as you do not use your mouth.

Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the best news of all, because dieters now have something to keep their mouths busy while not eating, and smokers can quit smoking without having to chew candies until they
a) need to diet or 
b) induce diabetes.
Kissing is organic , low in sodium, preservative-free, low in saturated fats and does not contain dozens of delicious ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.
Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who am I to stifle your sense of adventure?

You can kiss just about everyone: your boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't try kissing them all at the same time, though... especially not your boyfriend and your wife.

Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations of any national or international sporting organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety record, except for the occasional locked braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck fixes that problem ( CAA in Canada, AA in the UK, the local plumber in France)

Overall, Kissing is so great that it makes baseball, hockey, football, and soccer seem like bush league sports. Next time your hear a brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you will win the argument hands down. And if not, at least you will make some new friends to argue with.



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